A year ago today my momma died. I seem to be doing okay. I did cry last night, actually it was today at 1am, but I do that any day or night. I have learned to let my tears flow whenever they like. Its not a hard sob, its just a soft warm flow that says "mi mamma" in spanish. As I write this tears are filling my eyes but that's okay because I'm learning to live with this because this is the way it is.
In January I wrote in my journal:
"I do not know how to bear this grief. It comes as a wave that washes over everything. It hovers over me like a helicopter telling me there is danger near. What danger, death? Death is no danger when I have Christ.
What power can this grief have over me? Its a mystery. Even as I know that death is life in Christ some part of rejoices and the other part grieves over my loss. Yes, My loss! Others knew her - my mom -others loved her - my mom - BUT this is my grief - personal, intimate, visible and tangible.
Lord, how do I abide -no- how do I leave this grief behind. I want so much to abide in YOU always but this grief creeps up on me and steals my joy. How do I sorrow but also rejoice? Teach me, I pray."
Eight months later the grief does not have its power over me. The remembrance of Him storing my tears in a bottle because of His love helps me. I can both sorrow and rejoice with warm tears that don't tear me apart but flow as water washing over my soul. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.
Its still a mystery but He is the master of miraculous mysteries.
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